A Week With My Mother Post-Back Surgery, By the Numbers

  • Hours spent at the hospital: 9.5
  • Horrible excuses for bulgogi beef eaten in the hospital cafeteria: 1 (which was 1 too many)
  • Staples in my mother’s back: 16
  • Disposable hospital gowns & pairs of gloves I went through: 5
  • Trips to Burgerville: 2 (twice as many as I typically make in a year)
  • Minor fainting spells (hers, not mine): 1
  • Fuzzy caterpillars seen: 7 (2 were squished)
  • Hours at the DMV: only 1 (seriously, if you have any DMV needs, go to Corvallis)
  • Profanities yelled at the TV during the second presidential debate: all of them
  • Bags of apples picked: 6
  • Times I was vaguely threatened by a rooster: 3
  • Times I was leered at by a cow: 2
  • Trips down memory lane: 12
  • Gilmore Girls episodes watched: 28
  • World problems solved: so many… if only people would consult us first
  • G&Ts consumed: oh crap, was I supposed to keep track?

with thanks to my pal Katie Hammel, from whom I swiped the “by the numbers” idea

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